Life as a Parent and Child Foster Carer

Rose is a warm and quietly spoken person. Read her experience as a Parent and Child Foster Carer below:

Thanks for chatting Rose. So, how long have you been a Parent and Child Foster Carer?

I have been a Parent and Child Foster Carer for four years now. It’s an interesting journey working with the parent as well as the child. There are ups and downs, and it can be hard work, but seeing the bond between the mum and the child develop can be really rewarding.

How many placements have you had?

So, we've had five placements: three have gone home with their child and two have been separated.

Wow! That’s impressive. I spoke to a foster carer last week who in 9 years has only had one mum and child go home together!

Yes, I know. The structure is focused on what’s best for the child and I understand that in many cases, the evidence shows that it’s best for the child if they go to a different home. Often it isn’t from lack of love, it’s simply that the mum may have learning difficulties or be too traumatised from her own life events to be able to adopt essential learning practices, such as holding the baby correctly or making up milk safely.

Often it isn’t from lack of love, it’s simply that the mum may have learning difficulties or be too traumatised from her own life events to be able to adopt essential learning practices, such as holding the baby correctly or making up milk safely.

How did you decide that you were going to become a foster carer?

I had some friends who had just gone through the process and were approved as foster carers. We had always thought we might do it one day, but when our children had left home, not in the here and now. But having seen our friends go through the process we started to think actually we could do it now - and so we did!

How does it work between yourself and your husband?

My husband works full-time and I'm very much the main carer. For the mum's safeguarding reasons or to protect my husband, I take on the majority of the responsibility. A lot of these ladies are very vulnerable and have suffered some form of abuse. In our case, most of our mums have suffered from domestic and sexual abuse, leading them to be nervous around men.

I believe you have two birth children. How do placements impact them?

My son's 14, nearly 15. My daughter's 12. Of course, it really impacts them positively, though at other times it’s been more difficult, particularly if we have developed a strong attachment with the child.

They’ve both matured and grown up quite quickly really, but in a good way. They've got a sense of what's going on around them, perhaps more than they might have had otherwise. It’s allowed them to see that not everyone has grown up with the opportunities that they have. So, they're learning a bit more about society, how to adapt to different situations…. Yeah, and they love children. They are brilliant with little ones and love playing with them.

I know that – at least for the first couple of weeks – you need to be available for that Parent & Child 24/7. How do you manage family time with your own family?

You're right a lot of these ladies and babies come in on effectively 24/7 supervision.

They can't be left unattended, or they might be allowed to have free time in the house, but not go out of the home. My life in many ways goes on hold for the period that the mum is with us and needs that level of care. If we stay in for a weekend with the family, then mum and baby will be there as well. It can really change the dynamics. If you've got a friendly mum who wants to join in, like the one we've just had, it can help to create a really nice atmosphere in the house. We all enjoyed having her here and were genuinely sorry to see her go. Unfortunately, it’s not always like that. We’ve also had a mum stay that was incredibly difficult. She had serious mental health problems, and it was much more difficult to support her while managing the balance of the household.

It's about finding times for the children to get to see their friends outside of the home and still ensuring that we spend one-to-one time with them. That isn’t always easy.

My life in many ways goes on hold for the period that the mum is with us and needs that level of care.

That sounds difficult!

Yes, it can be! But it can also be rewarding. When you are working with a mum who is fighting hard to keep her baby, it is a joy to celebrate with them when they make it.

Seeing a mum go home with her baby, I can look at them and think, ‘Wow! You're going to do this!’.  I'm so pleased to have been able to help them.

One situation was particularly challenging – the mum left after 5 weeks and we had the child for a long time afterwards, and the little boy began to feel so much part of our family. The whole family went through a grieving process when he left us. Although we were grieving, the new parents were celebrating having him as part of their family.  So as hard as it was for us, it turned out to be a really good thing as well. It was such a positive outcome for the little boy.

Seeing a mum go home with her baby, I can look at them and think, ‘Wow! You're going to do this!’.  I'm so pleased to have been able to help them.

Do you still have contact with the children and mums that have been placed with you?

I’m in contact with all the mums who left us taking their baby home with them. We still see all the children, including the little boy who was adopted. It’s wonderful to see them develop and where they've got to. 

My final question is – Parent & Child Fostering looks incredibly rewarding – but it also looks like hard work! Can I ask – why would anyone do it?!

For me, I always feel that it's an opportunity to keep a family together. So instead of that baby being removed at birth, it's an opportunity for the mum to parent that baby, to prove herself so that they can potentially remain together.

And for us, it is also about the mum: modelling healthy relationships so even if they're separated from their child, I hope that their time with us has had a positive impact on them in some way. For instance, they can see that a husband and wife can have a healthy relationship; it doesn't mean arguing. One mum commented that she now realises it's possible for a man and woman to live together without arguing and that she hopes to have that someday.

One mum commented that she now realises it's possible for a man and woman to live together without arguing and that she hopes to have that someday.

The child is always the priority, but for us, it's absolutely about the mum as well - even if the placement leads to separation. Then it’s about supporting them through that time. What happens is going to have a very big impact on their lives.